4 Ways To Help Someone Who Is Hurting
Last week, I shared 10 reflections on 10 years without my dad. It's now been 10 years since I lost my dad to suicide, and not only have I learned a lot about grief, I've also learned a lot about what people who are grieving need from others.
If you have ever wondered how you can help or what you should do when someone you know is hurting, here are four things I often tell people who aren't sure what to do.
It isn't true that there is nothing you can do. Instead, I would urge you to try some of these.
1. Proactively offer/specifically ask how you can help
One of the least helpful things we can do when someone is hurting is say to them, "let me know if there is anything I can do." While done with the best of intentions, it never works.
First, a lot of people have likely already said this. So it's simply impractical to make a list of everyone who wants to help and think of something for them to do.
Second, when you are grieving you are often too overwhelmed to even think about what you need help with.
Third, most of us feel bad asking for help. Add on the fact that the grieving person is already hurting, they are not going to then make themselves feel worse by asking people to go to additional things for them. Which means your offer to help will never be taken up on.
So what should you do?
Proactively suggest something you would like to help with. I understand this may feel intrusive, but I promise it is the best thing you can do.
Instead of asking how you can help, go ahead and offer to help with something you think they would need help with.
Offer to mow the grass. Offer to take the car for an oil change. Offer to babysit the kids. Offer to take them to dinner or to do something fun (and assure them you don't have to talk about the situation if they don't want to).
Now you may initially be told "no thank you," but you need to understand it isn't because they don't want your help, it's because they feel bad asking you to do something. But don't give up. Reassure them that you really want to do this.
Suggest what you would like to do, and then offer a time you would like to do it. Don't make them plan a thing. Only then are you likely to be able to help them.
What I found after my father died is that the only people I ever went out of my way to ask for something were the people who first did something without me having to ask them. Once they showed me they really wanted to help, I then believed that they actually did.
2. There is nothing you can say to make it better, so don't worry about what you should say
One thing I hear people often say who maybe haven't gone through something as difficult as the person they care about currently is, is that they don't know what to say to make them feel better.
Here is the reality: nothing you can say will make them feel better.
So don't feel bad about it. When my dad died, nothing anyone could say could bring him back. In the weeks and months immediately following his death, nothing anyone could say could stop the pain and grief I was feeling.
The best thing you can do instead is simply to be with them. Sit with them. Have dinner with them. Listen to them (without trying to fix the situation). If they don't want to talk about it, don't make them. Simply being with them is one of the best things you can do. Your presence alone shows that you care.
3. Don't be a conversational narcissist, now is not the time to talk about what you have gone through
Trevin Wax recently wrote a brilliant post about this. To be fair, this is often done with the best of intentions, but it actually makes things worse.
When someone is grieving or going through something difficult, it may seem logical to share how you have experienced something similarly difficult as a way to show that they aren't alone.
The problem however, is that it can make the one who is hurting feel either invalidated in how they feel, or in some cases even worse.
In terms of feeling invalidated, sharing what you have gone through can make the one who is hurting feel like they shouldn't feel that bad. After all, other people have gone through hard things too and they got over it, so the grieving person should as well.
Or it can make things even worse. It can actually make the one who is hurting feel bad for feeling bad. Again, other people have gone through worse things so why are they making such a big deal about this? That is not the intent, but that is how the grieving person feels when this happens.
Don't make the conversation about you. If the grieving person wants to hear what your experience has been like, they will ask. If they don't ask, now is not the time to talk about it.
Remember, there is nothing you can say to make them feel better right now anyway. The best thing you can do is simply be with them and listen.
4. Check in whenever you feel the urge, you will not ruin their day
One common refrain I hear from people is wanting to reach out to let someone know they are thinking or praying for them about their situation. But they don't out of fear. After all, what if they are having a good day and you remind them of what is going on and then ruin their day?
Let me just tell you from first-hand experience, there is never not a time where you aren't thinking or are affected by it in someway (particularly in the first few years). There has never been a time, for example, where someone texted me to say they were praying for me where I thought "man, I completely forgot about this, now I am upset."
In fact, I always feel the opposite. I am always so grateful. I may only say thank you and that is it (if I am not in the mood to talk about it), but I am always encouraged by it.
Whenever you feel the urge to reach out, do it. If they don't want to talk about it, they won't. But just the fact that someone took the time to reach out means so much.
It means that not everyone has forgotten.
You can make a difference
All of this to say, you can make a difference. Do not do nothing, as that can cause those you care about to hurt even worse. After all, it would be much better to have apologize for doing too much than having to apologize later for not being there at all.
Jesus said we people would know we are his disciples by how we love one another. Loving people in times of grief is one of the best opportunities we have to do that. We won't always get it right, but let's not let it be because we didn't try.